I came across something I wrote from the summer of 2010. It reads,
“I cried today. Ever since I was little, I have never been happy with the way that I look. I’ve always thought that a failed attempt at looking pretty was always much more of a downer than just not trying at all, which is why I never try. Because if I try and I fail, I will always end up more upset than if I hadn’t tried at all. That’s why I was so upset today. After not trying for so long, I had forgot why I stopped trying in the first place and that’s because I’ve never felt pretty. Every once in a while I forget these things and try once again, but then I break down like I did today.”
In the passing five years, its incredible how things have changed. Though most of these negative feelings have left me. I still find myself wanting more from the girl I see in the mirror.
Although the people around me often give me compliments on the way I look, its still not easy to believe.
I think the most harmful thing that has affected me from having these feelings all these years comes with the interactions with people who think I’m so pretty that I don’t need to hear it. Its hard to precisely explain the emotions that surface when these interactions occur. A part of me screams inside for praise, and I crave flattering words; then there is another part of me that fills with shame and guilt for not being more appreciative and less judgmental of myself and others.
All damaging feelings.
Nobody will ever know the pain I’ve felt continually falling short of my own expectations.
The pain that hurts the worst is self-inflicted.