Paradigm Shift

I came across something I wrote from the summer of 2010. It reads,

“I cried today. Ever since I was little, I have never been happy with the way that I look. I’ve always thought that a failed attempt at looking pretty was always much more of a downer than just not trying at all, which is why I never try. Because if I try and I fail, I will always end up more upset than if I hadn’t tried at all. That’s why I was so upset today. After not trying for so long, I had forgot why I stopped trying in the first place and that’s because I’ve never felt pretty. Every once in a while I forget these things and try once again, but then I break down like I did today.”

In the passing five years, its incredible how things have changed. Though most of these negative feelings have left me. I still find myself wanting more from the girl I see in the mirror.

Although the people around me often give me compliments on the way I look, its still not easy to believe.

I think the most harmful thing that has affected me from having these feelings all these years comes with the interactions with people who think I’m so pretty that I don’t need to hear it. Its hard to precisely explain the emotions that surface when these interactions occur. A part of me screams inside for praise, and I crave flattering words; then there is another part of me that fills with shame and guilt for not being more appreciative and less judgmental of myself and others.

All damaging feelings.

Nobody will ever know the pain I’ve felt continually falling short of my own expectations.

The pain that hurts the worst is self-inflicted.

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Beer in the Evening…. A Toast

This one is dedicated to the journey of life.

We each have our own and we each have different experiences within our journey, even when we are living in the same time and place.

How do we put our life’s journey into perspective?

When we live out our life things happen to us; we change. But our innermost changes can not always be reflected externally, and we get caught in the crossfires of the person we used to be and the person we are becoming.

Always stuck in the in-between.

The changes within us are what make us grow, and sometimes that means growing pains.

But as we change, so does the way we respond to things.

How do we know when the things that change us are worth keeping around? And how do we respond to resistance?

Is resistance what is felt when we are on the wrong path, or do we create resistance ourselves when we fear change or vulnerability?

Perhaps in response to the growing pains…

I think sometimes we experience things that will continue to define us throughout our life; things… and people.

I like to believe despite the finite experience of the present moment, there are things and people that will always be waiting on the other side. Things that we can count on, and look forward to.

Some things are worth waiting for, but do you ever really know what or who you can count on?

And if so, how do you determine when its time to put your present in the past and embrace your future?

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Bong Rips at 4am

An hour ago I woke up from a light sleep to the sound of my phone ringing.

It was my past calling.

I didn’t answer.

As I laid in the dark glancing over at my illuminated phone screen, I became paralyzed with fear.

And it was as easy as that, out of nowhere I was flooded with a previous version of myself; reminded of the things I’ve said and done.

All from just one phone call.

I roll over and try to clear my mind but its too late; the fire has started.

What is there to do at times like this, but to smoke?

I pack a bowl in the bong, and I sit, I smoke, and I think.

I wouldn’t be the person I am today had it not been for my past, but that doesn’t make me proud of it.

Isn’t it incredible how fast we can change as individuals.

If in every day we learn something, then in every day we are recreated.

How beautiful it is to have such an opportunity to recreate yourself.

But despite best efforts, despite knowledge acquired, how is it that thoughts and feelings carry with us in our life’s journey?

Even if we decide that we will make a change, our previous choices have been made, and there are no undoing them.

Perhaps our pasts continue to teach us, even after it helps shape us as our present.

Past, present, and future: where do we place emphasis?

To live in the past is to neglect your present and your future.

To live in the present is to forget your past, and ignore your future.

To live in the future is to deny your past, and skip your present.

How do we find balance?

How do we define ourselves if not by our pasts? Our presents?

But our present moment is forever changing; dynamic.

And if we are dynamic in this aspect, then are we undefinable, or is it our own dynamic nature that defines who we are?

Is it the fluctuation of living in the past, present, and future that paints our portrait?

If that’s the case, how do we know when to place our focus on each piece of us?

Is it possible to really be free?

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Blunt after blunt, I blaze through this sack…

trying to stay numb.

No munchies. No giggles. Just smoke.

Coughing distracts me from thinking.

I don’t feel hungry, I just want to keep smoking.

I can’t seem to get high enough.

I feel like I have so much on my mind, and so much to do.

My anxiety keeps me from living.

I need to get out of the house, but I just want to stay home and get high…

stay numb.

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How can you claim to care about a person when you forget about them?

I’m so tired of being the needy one. I give so much of myself that I loose myself.

I’m so tired of being put on the backburner, and waiting around for you to have time for me.

My time is valuable and I refuse to waste it on anyone who is unappreciative of me.

How much longer can I spend waiting when I don’t even know what I’m waiting for?

I feel as if I am dangling from a string, just being dragged along for the ride.

But that is simply not okay.

I decide where I go, my string does not.

I will not be pulled away from my inner happiness because you do not see my worth.

I feel undervalued and undeserved.

If you want this then show me… I don’t believe your words anymore.

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It has been a while since I have been so emotionally overwhelmed, and felt so strong about anything.

After you have expressed yourself and your feelings in every way you know how… How do you say more?

I am at a loss for words.

And when you’re at a loss for words, there’s a voice that speaks for you.

A voice so strong and unbending…

Your past.

The past will never go away, and can never be undone.

It has the ability to haunt and cripple you everyday.

In every moment it is there.

How do you speak against a voice so strong? Especially when you have so much to say…

I sit, I think, and I reflect…

I wish so much that I didn’t have to explain myself.

There was a time not too long ago when my life seemed to be in a good place. I thought I felt happy, but looking back now I was comfortably numb.

I spent the little free time I had seeking pleasure, but not just my own.

I was searching to please others, because in some twisted way…

That pleases me.

I’m broken.

What’s a girl to do when presented with such an opportunity, but take it?

Such an easy decision to make with such lasting repercussions.

It felt so good to be sought after; to be wanted; to be desired.

But the feeling was short-lived, and followed by silence and rejection.

I wanted more, and by more I mean pleasing; to satisfy and to be satisfied.

It seemed so easy, and looked so good on paper. We saw eachother everyday, same majors, similar interests, easy to talk to…

At first.

But in reality things were much different.

It was an act. I was played.

Our similar interests turned out to be not so similar, and being ‘easy to talk to’ turned into being exponentially difficult to reach.

But I was broken.

I wanted what I couldn’t find, and I latched onto anything that came close to what I really wanted.

And just like the times before, I was left wanting more.

But now I think I’ve found it. 

I’ve found what I think feels like what I have always really wanted…

A true connection.

But this thing from my past now stands between my present and what I’d like to be my future.

I thought I was emotionally stable, but really I was just fooling myself.

I had what I thought I wanted at the time…

No attachments, no strings, just desire.

A desire to be desired, and I thought I was.

Now I know better.

Now, I feel like I have found the true connection I have been seeking.

If only I could explain myself.

That’s all I really want.

To be understood, or at the very least accepted as I am.

Twisted mind and all.

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